Sometimes, there is always this thought of moving out from the house and live somewhere else where I might be able to just find peace and not having the risks of getting my day spoiled the moment I woke up every morning. It seems like this thought has emerged more often lately. At times, I just felt so heartache when the anger arise but is forced to bury it deep inside my heart, just so that I wouldn't utter a word that hurts anyone's feelings. As I was told, everyone has a choice to decide what's best for them, but there's exceptional where you are just not given any choices. And so, here am I, stuck in this situation, hoping that the moment I opened my eyes each morning, it will be a great day for me.
Hence, this pretty much explains the reason why I'm always so stressed up. The need for me to move from my current ground is overwhelming. So much so, it tires me down so quick and when my hope and plans for the future crushed lately, I got into depression and felt so lost that I didn't know what's best for me anymore. Someone who knew me well enough even realized and told me that my life has seems to be really saddening that one unfortunate event often leads to another. There's time that I thought everything's gonna be back to positive or normal, but there goes another bump along the way.
Yet, after each and every fall, I'm still here trying my best to get my feet up on the ground again. I've always believed, I deserve to whine and cry over the pain, but only for a short period of time and then I'll need to move on and make things better again. Nobody could hold on and suppress their sorrow within themselves for a long period of time. It got to be released once in a while. Truth is, nobody would be able to pick you up but yourself. Others who care will always be there to encourage and motivate, and I am grateful as always.
And lately, I always have a mixed feelings. There are things that I knew I should do, but I did not. There are also things that I knew I shouldn't do but yet, I still did it. Its just like what others said, the heart does not agree with the mind. Feelings over rationality. The problem with me is that I care too much of one's feelings, eventhough I realized its not worth to be cared for. Hence, the struggles within myself, to hope and yet trying my best not to. Or even, to go for it and yet trying not to. Or perhaps, trying really hard, but knowing the fact that its not working. And all this, causes frustration in the end.
Maybe, just maybe, one day I will get so exhausted and over all these frustrations and confusions, and I will then be able to move on into a better phrase of life, with a happier state of mind.
I will find myself again, and I do pray for others who are equally lost and in the midst of searching or rediscovering themselves again. =]
I'm still working hard on the happiness project of course. =]
