Subconscious Mind Power

I could still remember very well how today was celebrated last year. With my new bought dress specially for the dinner in Souled Out. All dressed up and looking great together. Pizzas and the long hour talk. It was such a memory.

And today, after hesitating for days, I have finally decided to just go ahead with whatever comes to my mind, knowing very well that I wouldn't want to feel any regrets. I did not bother much bout the outcome. I never expect anything in return. I just did it sincerely from the very bottom of my heart. After all, I can't control of anything. Its not that I did not want to think of any consequences from my action. I just think that I should just do what I really wanted. Afterall, life's too short to spend so much time thinking and ended up doing nothing.

I also realized today that people tend to act in a way they desire subconciously. In other words, they tend to do things that they really wanted without realizing that they really do. Complicated I know. I couldn't believe that for the first time I spent my night driving around with the hope of making myself feel better, or perhaps finding peace within myself would ended up in a place that I never thought that I will return to.

I drove circling that small little playground in front of the house where I spent my cny, seeing fire crackers burnt on the grass and the drain. Not once, but a few times, looking into the house, searching for that familiar thing that I once commented as 'so-so nice'. Unfortunately, no where to be seen. I passed by that place where I called it as a cosy place, where I always pictured of someone saying 'Would you like to have a cup of tea?'. Then I stopped at the side, trying to clear of every single thing of what I feel and left, headed home.

These are memories that has brought joy to me at a point in life. Whatever it is, it will just remain as memories. Now and always. Apart of me do feel glad that everything is moving on just fine without my existence, with great companies and friends as I can see from whatever evident to me.

And I know I would be able to do the same too. As always, I'm grateful to all my darlings and great friends who have constantly be there for me. Through my ups and downs. I seriously enjoyed the awesome trip I had with them. Hopefully, there's more to come! =]

Farewell

Things have finally came to an end. It is now gone for real. Sometimes, I still tend to have few questions in my mind that bothers me quite a bit. What happened to the one I knew for the first time? The one who I spent hours understanding all the history and things been through in life? The one who I respect and admire so much of the determination and sacrifices made to others? Where did this person go? How can someone I knew so much of could change completely into a person whom I barely know now? Perhaps, this may be one of the unpredictable circumstances that life has put on me. I do not intend to put any blames nor try to search answers for these questions anymore. Of course it bothers me, but I believe time would put all these behind me. Its just a matter of time, as it always is.

All that is left now is just memories. Surprisingly, I can really remember most of the things I've been through all these months. From the sad ones, to the happy ones. Perhaps, my memory isn't that bad afterall. Of course, at times, I would reminisce those happy moments, thinking how good things were before. I do felt like it was such a waste that nothing could last forever. But I know, there's always tomorrow. And there will always be better things waiting ahead of us. Thinking in a positive way, just got to put it as a God's test. Things to encounter in life in order to appreciate better things achieved in the future.

One thing for sure, I am no longer living in anger. I don't carry hatred in myself nor anyone else in my life. I still am the same person who couldn't get mad or hate someone for long in my life. Eventhough, if things happened were not supposed to be forgiven. Yes, I was mad for a certain time and then what's left is just the feeling of upset and now perhaps a sense of regret cause things did not work out like how I wished it to be from the very beginning.

I'm not angry anymore. But I just couldn't give myself a reason to start all over again when I felt like a complete stranger whom I barely know for now. Things happened, couldn't be erased from my memory. Such a huge impact towards my emotion, which I don't think that I could ever forget about it. Things will never be the same again, that's for sure. Same goes to feelings. But whatever it is, deep down inside of me, I sincerely wish that this person who were once so significant to me, will be able to find happiness, and lead a perfect life with everything that is desired of. Be it in the career, relationships, love, family, dreams and so on.

While for me, I still need to constantly work on the trust issues that I have for now, and hopefully I will be able to trust completely again. At the same time, working on my emotional balance, staying away from negative thoughts and of course, the worst thing which is the feeling of putting life to an end, which in a way is a very selfish act. Before this, I didn't understand why the feeling of  doing so would have occurred to anyone, but now, I know. It is all the pain that's killing inside of you that you could barely withstand and counter with rationality. You couldn't do anything at all bout it but just dying to stop the pain at that moment itself. But whatever it is, no one should have attempted anything like this no matter how bad things are. Just got to keep holding on and believe that things will never stay that way forever. Find a tiny little strength to have faith that things will get better sooner or later. And you will be alright.

As for now, I am feeling much better. Improvements felt every single day eversince the last time I released my tension in a way that is indeed frightening to this one person in my life. But it is also through that moment I knew he really cares and sincere with a sense of guilt, which I of course had forgiven long time ago. I just got to keep going, keep trying to be positive no matter what happens. I may have become a ticking bomb after everything that I had been through in these 2 years, but I have faith that things will definitely get better as time goes by. =]

So now, all I got to do is to enjoy my last semester break in my study life, perhaps get a job in between to support my living as I always did, and strive to complete the last semester in order to graduate on time which I have planned. These are all possible, and I will achieve them, I know. =]