Just Embrace It

Okie, I choked. I got cold feet. I admit that. Very often, I just ignore and tend to shake it off my mind just like that, while concentrating on everything else. Now I do believe how things can just haunt you at times. Also, I do realized how big impact it creates with the haunting. I never like pointing fingers. I never like to live with anger too. But sometimes, there are just things that you can't forget or you just can't wish that things will disappear from the memory. The more you fight it, the worse things could be. Perhaps, that pretty much explains the existence of fear in me. I guess most of the time, I've been concentrating on ensuring things will never end up with the same results again. I've focused too much on my fear and it never came into my mind to learn how to embrace it instead. I hold things so tightly and calculated every steps taken, leaving myself with no space to breathe and no room for any error. In the end, I just suffocate, dragging everything else around me.

Someone once told me, 'Your feelings are so screwed up because of what you've been through in life, and you just got lost and out of track. How much I wish that all these had never occur to you'.

I used to think that whatever said was right. I tend to think myself in that way too. I'm just comfortable believing in the victim story like most would be. I gave myself an excuse and then I just start living with worries everyday. Every single time, I think of all the possible consequences. Not the positive ones, but thinking of the possibilities of things that could go wrong. I just lost my trust.

However, last night just got me pondered on everything that I'm going through at this moment of my life. Even though I do voice out my feelings at times, I just never wanted to make known of my expectations and just hope that it can be met. And when it doesn't, I just suck it in and continue hoping till I got so tired of it. Hence, I realized its just me, myself who got myself exhausted. Its true that I may lost my way somewhere in the middle, but it is crucial to get right back on track once I knew it.

And now that I realized it, I'm ready to just accept the past and let things happen eventually as long as I commit and do the best I can for my side. I will never want to expect anything more in return. I shall trust unconditionally and open up myself once again. Also, to embrace whatever that may come for me from then. I don't deny that results are important, but what matters most is how you're doing it to achieve the desired results. It can be many ways, but I would want to be able to look back one day and glad that I had a wonderful happy journey without any regrets.

Just be authentic and accept whatever that may comes. =]

Awesome Weekend

I know I've mentioned bout my perspective of clubbing in my previous post before this. And yes, I did go clubbing with the bunch of crazy awesome peeps on Friday night. As usual, Friday is a playday. Quoted by Uncle Do. Haha. If it wasn't for these awesome people, I would never have agreed to be there at all. I did enjoyed myself on the dance floor with them and made all those moves with the girls. Mind me, I said girls. =p

But clubbing is a very exhausting activity indeed. Just less than half an hour, I felt like collapsing already. Looking on the brighter side, like Do said, it tones up the abs. =p However, I don't think I will be doing this in the near future. Probably the next blue moon. Had the experience and fun with the peeps and that's enough for now. =p

So, I've pretty much spent an awesome weekend. Friday night with the awesome peeps. Saturday night out with mom and dad to my uncles and aunties' new Overtime in Manjalara. Then, spending whole Sunday afternoon making cards and dinner with dad at night. Also, meeting the love too. =]

Anyway, there won't be any more trip for me during this semester break as I'll be working starting from Monday, which means tomorrow. And I've decided to gain new experiences by working with the kids this time. I did help out my friend in his kids training previously, and this time, its going to be long term. Hopefully I'll be able to learn up lots of skills on kids handling too. Really can't wait for it. =]

At the same time, I can't wait for Tuesday to arrive too. Been cracking my head to get things done. And yes, I've even attempted something new that may come handy in the future too. Hopefully, things will turn out great. =D

Whatever

Truth has finally revealed. I know things would turn out exactly like how it is now. I did prepare myself to embrace whatever that may come. I've figured out every possibility of how things could ended up like. I never wanted to involve anyone else but only myself. Often, I wanted to just say things out loud, but I just tend to care too much of the consequences and the emotions that I need to go through. Many times, I just suck it up, and hold back from blabbering everything out. I know clearly that I don't want to be emotionally pressured. I just want to be in the stress-free state.

I do know that many would be thinking and deciding who should be listed as at fault. Or worse still, deciding who should be blamed. But let me clarify this, no matter how awesome someone else is treating me, I wouldn't even have a single thought of it if I'm so happy with the state I was in at that time. Things wouldn't be like now if responsibilities are taken seriously. No matter what, I believe I owe myself happiness. I owe myself a chance to be treated better. I shall stop concerning bout how everyone else feels but myself. At the end of the day, I do realized that nobody can stop this nightmare but myself. No point thinking of everything else when all they think about are themselves too.

Things happened after everything was cleared up and had a long thought about the consequences that may happened. Nobody owes any explanations in this case. Nobody was in the picture when my decision was made anyway. A good man who showed me the importance of my existence in his life, there's nothing else that I would want to ask for more. Its just so that its not someone unknown and everyone starts to create havoc out of it. Between someone who's been treating you like crap and anyone at all who is treating you awesome, you can do the maths.

I'm tired of being treated as just a 'company'. The feelings I had was ignored. The need I had was ignored. Excuses given when promises were broken. Those are just crap to me. These things wouldn't even have happened at the first place if I was so important at all. So many chances wouldn't be wasted too. Enough is enough. Sometimes, just stop, think about yourself before you start judging others. Also, for anyone at all, know both sides of the story before judging too.

From now on, I'm just going to treasure things that are worth of my concern. Its just too late for any changes that were supposed to be made at the first time, second time and the umpteenth time.

Feelings

Its been so long ever since the last time I felt the way I am feeling now. I can't believe that there are a few people in my life that are telling me almost the same thing, at the same time. Statements made that really touch my heart. And I can't believe that there are people who has been keeping his feelings to himself for more than a year. Of course, it never come across my mind that he had that feeling. Its just so sudden to know it now.

Its funny that all these years I've been only putting all my hopes, thoughts, concern and whatsoever on a single thing, which actually brought me sadness most of the time. Yes, there are indeed happy moments, that's for sure. But, unfortunately, the bad ones kinda over-weigh the good ones. Certainty just strikes this time, when I knew I took a really long period of time to think things through, including the outcome and the future. I know I'm ready to face any consequences and embrace the changes that are about to come.

And I know I won't be alone.

The words are heard and I know its true.

Start of Something New

The finals exam is over! Which means, the semester has ended. Time really really flies. Nevertheless, it has been one awesome semester in my second year. Knowing a bunch of awesome but yet crazy friends had really lighten up my life recently, especially during the moments of stress. We know how to have fun, but at the same time, knowing when to burn the midnight oil when its necessary, usually after we had fun. Haha!

And now, I'll be having a three weeks break, till the new semester commence again in July. Not sure if I'll be able to find a suitable job for this short period of time, but will just look out for it. But the main concern is that there might be a road trip next week. And when there's road trip, there's no work. Somehow, I couldn't be bothered much. Holiday is a holiday, right Felicia and Uncle Do? =p

Well, I'm really glad that everything is so settled now. No doubts, no disappointments, no nothing. Just happy moments, and hopefully more to come starting from today. And I will for sure hold on tight to what I have now. =]

As for tonight, its going to be a whale of time! Soiree at the awesome Pinny's crib, just for us the crazy bunch with awesome shabu shabu, liquors and games. =p

Praying hard

Yesterday was the first time ever I've reached the most extreme level of stressness over my studies. I am always stressful during the finals but this time, it was really really bad. I was panicking over CB, knowing the fact that it took me hours to finish one case study when I attempted to write it as a practice. In the exam, I gotta write 1 freaking long case study with 3 long essays which requires at least 2 booklets of answers. So I stayed up, studying with Do and Felicia till 3 in the morning. And by the time I got home, I felt so much relieved that I managed to cover most of the revision for the paper the next day, which is today.

However, things didn't get any better as in the exam, I actually didn't manage to finish answering all the questions. I did not complete my case study, just halfway done and out of 3 long essays, I only did 2. Which left me praying to get at least a pass for this subject, no other choice. Again, I was devastated knowing the fact that I only have a 50-50 chance of passing. Sigh. It really sucks.

For now, I can just focus on the other 3 subjects that I will be sitting for on Friday and the following week.

Also, there's this thing that I just couldn't take it anymore. I know things have always ended up the same way. Countless of same experience. And I've always think about other matters that I've established along the way. Hesitated to start all over again. But now, I know very clearly that I would just forget bout it and start from the bottom again, rather than having to experience the same routine or cycle for the rest of my life. I don't want to waste any more time and effort on things that will never change.

With that said, I was actually really surprised when there's someone who understand exactly what I was feeling and manage to speak out what was the reason behind all that. And yea, I really starting to feel that this person can really reads my mind or is able to see through me.

And with what I have and experiencing now, I just don't want to mess it up even when most of the time I actually felt the uncertainty.