Current State of Mind

Sometimes, there is always this thought of moving out from the house and live somewhere else where I might be able to just find peace and not having the risks of getting my day spoiled the moment I woke up every morning. It seems like this thought has emerged more often lately. At times, I just felt so heartache when the anger arise but is forced to bury it deep inside my heart, just so that I wouldn't utter a word that hurts anyone's feelings. As I was told, everyone has a choice to decide what's best for them, but there's exceptional where you are just not given any choices. And so, here am I, stuck in this situation, hoping that the moment I opened my eyes each morning, it will be a great day for me.

Hence, this pretty much explains the reason why I'm always so stressed up. The need for me to move from my current ground is overwhelming. So much so, it tires me down so quick and when my hope and plans for the future crushed lately, I got into depression and felt so lost that I didn't know what's best for me anymore. Someone who knew me well enough even realized and told me that my life has seems to be really saddening that one unfortunate event often leads to another. There's time that I thought everything's gonna be back to positive or normal, but there goes another bump along the way.

Yet, after each and every fall, I'm still here trying my best to get my feet up on the ground again. I've always believed, I deserve to whine and cry over the pain, but only for a short period of time and then I'll need to move on and make things better again. Nobody could hold on and suppress their sorrow within themselves for a long period of time. It got to be released once in a while. Truth is, nobody would be able to pick you up but yourself. Others who care will always be there to encourage and motivate, and I am grateful as always.

And lately, I always have a mixed feelings. There are things that I knew I should do, but I did not. There are also things that I knew I shouldn't do but yet, I still did it. Its just like what others said, the heart does not agree with the mind. Feelings over rationality. The problem with me is that I care too much of one's feelings, eventhough I realized its not worth to be cared for. Hence, the struggles within myself, to hope and yet trying my best not to. Or even, to go for it and yet trying not to. Or perhaps, trying really hard, but knowing the fact that its not working. And all this, causes frustration in the end.

Maybe, just maybe, one day I will get so exhausted and over all these frustrations and confusions, and I will then  be able to move on into a better phrase of life, with a happier state of mind.

I will find myself again, and I do pray for others who are equally lost and in the midst of searching or rediscovering themselves again. =]

I'm still working hard on the happiness project of course. =]

Food Poisoning

I have successfully survived my food poisoning experience yesterday. It was a horrible weekend. Started off with pain in the stomach, which I thought it was a gastric pain initially and slowly it developed nausea. The entire Saturday night I couldn't get a good night sleep, as I kept waking up every hour with the thought of getting to the toilet to puke. As I was too tired, I forced myself to go to bed till the next morning, I couldn't stand it anymore. I rushed to the toilet to puke and once I was done, I got back to the bed and continued sleeping. And later in the afternoon, there came diarrhea. So, it was confirmed that I was suffering from food poisoning. I got so exhausted and down with massive headache and bodyache for the entire Sunday. I was basically bedridden, sleeping the entire day.

So, what I had the night before which caused me food poisoning? I suspected the 'Baked Fish Fillet' from The Ship. It was a dory fish, topped with baked cheese, and it was watery. Seriously, fish that is watery. And it doesn't even taste good. Its plain and tasteless. I didn't realize it till mom questioned me what I had the night before and when I told her bout the fish, she asked 'Don't you think that the fish is not fresh when its watery?'. Yeah, I was clueless till I had all this puking going on. And it was just too late to realize by then. Hence, I'm banning this dish from The Ship from now onwards. In fact, I'm banning myself from fish for a long period of time. I am a fish lover. And due to this incident, I'm seriously refraining myself from fish till I'm ready or feel comfortable to have fish again. Every time I think of fish, I still feel like puking. Although to be honest, I am not completely sure it was the fish, but high chances, it is, coz that was the only thing I had that seemed funny that day.

Anyway, after a super sick day, I got medicines from a friend, and thanks to her, I slowly recover from it. The medicines work perfectly, and today itself, I'm feeling much better. I don't feel lethargic, no more bodyaches and no more massive headaches. Everything is back to normal. Perhaps, just a little itsy bitsy of uncomfortable feeling in the stomach. I still get a little bit tired, but at least I could stand and walk straight again. Also, I'm grateful to have someone who would care for me the entire time I was sick. Thank you for getting the medicines for me, buying me lots of breads and keeping me company till I fell asleep. I really appreciate it.  =]

Let's hope its gonna be a productive week for me. Finish up my book that I have started reading since Friday and perhaps, getting my FYP sorted out on the topic and getting the necessary journals for perusal. Of course, filling up some time for badminton or running. =]

Choices

Knowing how happy one of my friend is, got me into thinking how a relationship could bring one's happiness.

I guess one of the key is to have common interest. Or perhaps, doing interesting things together. Things or activities which may require interactions, or teamwork. When there's teamwork involved, it helps to improve communication, tolerance, patience and whole lot more between each other. Adventurous activities like hiking and camping could do more fun and at the same time, offering a sense of accomplishment by the end of the activity is a bonus (no doubt, it is tiring too). When the typical dinner dates and movie dates can no longer offer the sparks needed, it indicates the time to move on to activities that requires interactions. Never let things become a boring and dull routine is important, which in most cases, would kill off a relationship after a few years. The thought of having someone already in his or her life often make oneself to take things for granted. So much so, promises started to be broken and words became just merely words. Everything are often decided based on the 'mood' itself. If the mood isn't there after everything has been planned, things can just be cancelled off or postponed or even re-postponed for countless of times till you just get so fed up of it and decided to just forget bout the entire plan. And sooner or later, you found that the whole relationship has became meaningless.

Hence, lots of efforts are still needed regardless of how many years the relationship has been. Once in a while, its great to remember things that brought both together, to remind each other the very core reason why both fell for each other at the very first place. For as time goes by, people just tend to adapt, grow and change along the years. However, still it takes two hands to clap. There's no point too if there's only one who would put in so much efforts and the other doesn't. By the end of the day, one would just get so fed up and decided that there's no reason to stay anymore. And when the other realized it, it may be all too late and there's nothing can be done to save the relationship. 

Anyway, after 9 years, its time for me to just really stop and take a break. After all the disappointments, heartaches, unpredictable circumstances, I know what I really needed is just some time alone to rediscover myself. I guess I have been letting everyone and everything around me to shape me into who I am now in the recent years. And along the way, I've just lost myself, bits by bits. What is worse, is when there's so much uncertainties right ahead of me now, hoping that each and every decisions I made will be of the best for me in the near future. Hoping that some trade-offs made is of worth both now and later.

Well, afterall, if it is to be, its up to me. A saying that I've learnt from a wise man. =]

Independent

So, bro has finally and officially out from the house. Although the initial plans were to move out together, but I guess, there are just times where things will not be able to fall into places as planned. Still, I'm glad that he's out, and I really do hope he'll have a great time, building his very own family. As for me, I'm just gonna enjoy my 'alone' time in the room tonight. After more than 22 years, I'm finally staying in a single room all by myself. LOL. But yet, I do miss the presence of him in the room. In this room, we fought, we had heart-to-heart talk, we laughed, we cried together. The thought of not being able to talk to him or tease him the moment I come home after a busy day kinda sucks. Owh well, I will get used to it soon. After all, I guess I can just crash at his place if I wanted to. =p I'm still anticipating the Cluedo or Monopoly night.

And now, Ruby is entirely taken care by me. Have to really make some time to accompany this little girl and bring her to the park more often in the weekends. In return, she will keep me company every night when I go to bed. =] Just got to make sure that I feed her the vitamins daily and keep her clean all the time.

So, there's this thing that somehow bothers me for quite some time now. And it just tends to get even more annoying to me. There's nothing much that I can do as I can't really control one's thoughts or actions. Guess, I'll continue to stay firm with my decision, and this should also be the only way. As much as I wanted to go off for a trip all this while, I don't want it anymore, not when its you. I'm completely fed up of the whole thing.
And I can say that I can really do much better all by myself. =]

Afterall, now is not the right time for anything more than myself. Gotta focus on the FYP first. And, I am now considering of changing the title into something perhaps, less common, just like how a friend of mine suggested and got me thinking about it. Gotta get it done by December. Thus, it will  be a hectic month for me and I love being busy and productive. =]

The Transition

Just when i thought that everything is over. There it goes, unexpectedly appeared right in front of me, after months of disappearance. Whatever it is, I do believe now that it got to really hit you hard at one point till you got so numb over it and realize that everything just needs to be put to an end. No one mentioned that things would be easy. But it is indeed through those misery and hardship that people learnt what's the best for them. So am I.

Life has indeed been pretty rocky. Juggling between so many issues that cause much frustration and restless nights. I really do appreciate those who listens to me with patience. Or even those who did not listen but did lend me the shoulders for me to cry on. Thank you. And I do feel guilty to those who worried so much bout me and have always stayed on standby just to ensure that I am safe and fine. I would never know, if you have never told me bout it. Thanks for your honesty and of course, thanks for your concern. I really do appreciate it. =]

Anyway, as usual, each time after a break down, strength and determination will be regained and issues are settled one at a time. Things will get much better as the mind is less clouded and things can be seen much clearer now. Afterall, things that shouldn't be concerned should be thrown away to a far distance and shall never be looked at. What's more important is to prioritize as always, and set up a plan to achieve what have always been desired in life, the goals.

And, I have also decided to live up to my words, keeping my promises I have once made. I will always be there to listen, if you shall ever need someone to listen to. I may not  be able to read your mind and know whats your true thoughts. And it doesn't really matter if its unappreciated or like you said, that you don't feel worthy to be treated good. And it also doesn't matter if you would still listen to me if I ever needed someone to talk to and I could hit you with a pot like you have asked me to, if you ever break your promise. Lol. The truth is, I wouldn't even want to bother you with my unnecessary rantings to your already hectic and stressful life. This applies to everyone around me. One thing I know for sure is that everyone has their very own issues, and they are revealed to me as time passes by when trust are developed. And this is where I would come in, and listen and offer comfort needed. I care for everyone around me. And especially the few ones who meant a lot to me. Its a promise that I made and I will keep for as long as I can. =]

Another thing for sure is that, NOTHING will ever break the bonds and love between the darlings. You girls have become like a family and nothing tears this family apart. You girls have become my priority too. Hence, no matter how far I'm away, I would still rush my way to you girls like I've always did. =]

Owh well, whats needs to be done has been done, and what needs to be ended has been ended. Decision made is indeed the best foor both of us, I believe. And for the mean time, I'm just gonna focus on my career searching, FYP, great awesome time with the darlings, friends and anticipating the arrival of new members into my family.

Afterall, life's great for me, now! =D

And I'm still anticipating for a short trip. =]

Subconscious Mind Power

I could still remember very well how today was celebrated last year. With my new bought dress specially for the dinner in Souled Out. All dressed up and looking great together. Pizzas and the long hour talk. It was such a memory.

And today, after hesitating for days, I have finally decided to just go ahead with whatever comes to my mind, knowing very well that I wouldn't want to feel any regrets. I did not bother much bout the outcome. I never expect anything in return. I just did it sincerely from the very bottom of my heart. After all, I can't control of anything. Its not that I did not want to think of any consequences from my action. I just think that I should just do what I really wanted. Afterall, life's too short to spend so much time thinking and ended up doing nothing.

I also realized today that people tend to act in a way they desire subconciously. In other words, they tend to do things that they really wanted without realizing that they really do. Complicated I know. I couldn't believe that for the first time I spent my night driving around with the hope of making myself feel better, or perhaps finding peace within myself would ended up in a place that I never thought that I will return to.

I drove circling that small little playground in front of the house where I spent my cny, seeing fire crackers burnt on the grass and the drain. Not once, but a few times, looking into the house, searching for that familiar thing that I once commented as 'so-so nice'. Unfortunately, no where to be seen. I passed by that place where I called it as a cosy place, where I always pictured of someone saying 'Would you like to have a cup of tea?'. Then I stopped at the side, trying to clear of every single thing of what I feel and left, headed home.

These are memories that has brought joy to me at a point in life. Whatever it is, it will just remain as memories. Now and always. Apart of me do feel glad that everything is moving on just fine without my existence, with great companies and friends as I can see from whatever evident to me.

And I know I would be able to do the same too. As always, I'm grateful to all my darlings and great friends who have constantly be there for me. Through my ups and downs. I seriously enjoyed the awesome trip I had with them. Hopefully, there's more to come! =]

Farewell

Things have finally came to an end. It is now gone for real. Sometimes, I still tend to have few questions in my mind that bothers me quite a bit. What happened to the one I knew for the first time? The one who I spent hours understanding all the history and things been through in life? The one who I respect and admire so much of the determination and sacrifices made to others? Where did this person go? How can someone I knew so much of could change completely into a person whom I barely know now? Perhaps, this may be one of the unpredictable circumstances that life has put on me. I do not intend to put any blames nor try to search answers for these questions anymore. Of course it bothers me, but I believe time would put all these behind me. Its just a matter of time, as it always is.

All that is left now is just memories. Surprisingly, I can really remember most of the things I've been through all these months. From the sad ones, to the happy ones. Perhaps, my memory isn't that bad afterall. Of course, at times, I would reminisce those happy moments, thinking how good things were before. I do felt like it was such a waste that nothing could last forever. But I know, there's always tomorrow. And there will always be better things waiting ahead of us. Thinking in a positive way, just got to put it as a God's test. Things to encounter in life in order to appreciate better things achieved in the future.

One thing for sure, I am no longer living in anger. I don't carry hatred in myself nor anyone else in my life. I still am the same person who couldn't get mad or hate someone for long in my life. Eventhough, if things happened were not supposed to be forgiven. Yes, I was mad for a certain time and then what's left is just the feeling of upset and now perhaps a sense of regret cause things did not work out like how I wished it to be from the very beginning.

I'm not angry anymore. But I just couldn't give myself a reason to start all over again when I felt like a complete stranger whom I barely know for now. Things happened, couldn't be erased from my memory. Such a huge impact towards my emotion, which I don't think that I could ever forget about it. Things will never be the same again, that's for sure. Same goes to feelings. But whatever it is, deep down inside of me, I sincerely wish that this person who were once so significant to me, will be able to find happiness, and lead a perfect life with everything that is desired of. Be it in the career, relationships, love, family, dreams and so on.

While for me, I still need to constantly work on the trust issues that I have for now, and hopefully I will be able to trust completely again. At the same time, working on my emotional balance, staying away from negative thoughts and of course, the worst thing which is the feeling of putting life to an end, which in a way is a very selfish act. Before this, I didn't understand why the feeling of  doing so would have occurred to anyone, but now, I know. It is all the pain that's killing inside of you that you could barely withstand and counter with rationality. You couldn't do anything at all bout it but just dying to stop the pain at that moment itself. But whatever it is, no one should have attempted anything like this no matter how bad things are. Just got to keep holding on and believe that things will never stay that way forever. Find a tiny little strength to have faith that things will get better sooner or later. And you will be alright.

As for now, I am feeling much better. Improvements felt every single day eversince the last time I released my tension in a way that is indeed frightening to this one person in my life. But it is also through that moment I knew he really cares and sincere with a sense of guilt, which I of course had forgiven long time ago. I just got to keep going, keep trying to be positive no matter what happens. I may have become a ticking bomb after everything that I had been through in these 2 years, but I have faith that things will definitely get better as time goes by. =]

So now, all I got to do is to enjoy my last semester break in my study life, perhaps get a job in between to support my living as I always did, and strive to complete the last semester in order to graduate on time which I have planned. These are all possible, and I will achieve them, I know. =]

Couldn't believe that it has been close to seven months since the last post I published here. Its such a norm to me that the urge to blog will only exist when I am in a negative state of mind. Not sure if this applies to most people or perhaps its just me alone. So what actually happened during my disappearance in this blog? I don't think I would know the right place to begin my blabbing with. So much happened. So much to remember. So much forgotten. Sometimes, I just don't know what is right anymore. I don't get how things can be so perfect at one second, and then goes totally the opposite way the next. I don't even understand my own feelings anymore. I don't know what I really desire. I don't know what I expect. Its like in a total mess. At times, I felt annoyed by how things keep playing in my mind. The only thing I could conclude from all these is that I finally had enough of everything. I have reached the state where I don't want to get any involvement in anything. I got myself so filled up with fairy tale hopes, only to find it is all just fantasies. Illusions of happiness that I will keep myself away from.

But one thing I know for sure, I want everything to stop here and then. Putting a fullstop to where I am right now and finding the courage to move on. Leaving everything behind and close the chapters that were once so significant to me. I couldn't be wasting any more of my precious time. Once in a while, I got to remind myself on life's unpredictability. One day I'm here, the other I might just be gone. I just need to stop, take a look at where I am now, and start walking again when I've set my course clear. Be sure of what I really what, and from then only will I be able to start over again. I remember I read this thing from somewhere, where it goes something like this:

'Yes, the grass may always seems greener on the other side. But only if you spend some time to water your own grass, it will appear to be as green too.'

Which I find quite amusing and of course, very true at the same time.

But well, even after everything, I can still find myself some strength to walk out from this mess and work towards what I have always wanted to achieve.

In just another 5 more months baby, 5 more months. =]