Subconscious Mind Power

I could still remember very well how today was celebrated last year. With my new bought dress specially for the dinner in Souled Out. All dressed up and looking great together. Pizzas and the long hour talk. It was such a memory.

And today, after hesitating for days, I have finally decided to just go ahead with whatever comes to my mind, knowing very well that I wouldn't want to feel any regrets. I did not bother much bout the outcome. I never expect anything in return. I just did it sincerely from the very bottom of my heart. After all, I can't control of anything. Its not that I did not want to think of any consequences from my action. I just think that I should just do what I really wanted. Afterall, life's too short to spend so much time thinking and ended up doing nothing.

I also realized today that people tend to act in a way they desire subconciously. In other words, they tend to do things that they really wanted without realizing that they really do. Complicated I know. I couldn't believe that for the first time I spent my night driving around with the hope of making myself feel better, or perhaps finding peace within myself would ended up in a place that I never thought that I will return to.

I drove circling that small little playground in front of the house where I spent my cny, seeing fire crackers burnt on the grass and the drain. Not once, but a few times, looking into the house, searching for that familiar thing that I once commented as 'so-so nice'. Unfortunately, no where to be seen. I passed by that place where I called it as a cosy place, where I always pictured of someone saying 'Would you like to have a cup of tea?'. Then I stopped at the side, trying to clear of every single thing of what I feel and left, headed home.

These are memories that has brought joy to me at a point in life. Whatever it is, it will just remain as memories. Now and always. Apart of me do feel glad that everything is moving on just fine without my existence, with great companies and friends as I can see from whatever evident to me.

And I know I would be able to do the same too. As always, I'm grateful to all my darlings and great friends who have constantly be there for me. Through my ups and downs. I seriously enjoyed the awesome trip I had with them. Hopefully, there's more to come! =]

Farewell

Things have finally came to an end. It is now gone for real. Sometimes, I still tend to have few questions in my mind that bothers me quite a bit. What happened to the one I knew for the first time? The one who I spent hours understanding all the history and things been through in life? The one who I respect and admire so much of the determination and sacrifices made to others? Where did this person go? How can someone I knew so much of could change completely into a person whom I barely know now? Perhaps, this may be one of the unpredictable circumstances that life has put on me. I do not intend to put any blames nor try to search answers for these questions anymore. Of course it bothers me, but I believe time would put all these behind me. Its just a matter of time, as it always is.

All that is left now is just memories. Surprisingly, I can really remember most of the things I've been through all these months. From the sad ones, to the happy ones. Perhaps, my memory isn't that bad afterall. Of course, at times, I would reminisce those happy moments, thinking how good things were before. I do felt like it was such a waste that nothing could last forever. But I know, there's always tomorrow. And there will always be better things waiting ahead of us. Thinking in a positive way, just got to put it as a God's test. Things to encounter in life in order to appreciate better things achieved in the future.

One thing for sure, I am no longer living in anger. I don't carry hatred in myself nor anyone else in my life. I still am the same person who couldn't get mad or hate someone for long in my life. Eventhough, if things happened were not supposed to be forgiven. Yes, I was mad for a certain time and then what's left is just the feeling of upset and now perhaps a sense of regret cause things did not work out like how I wished it to be from the very beginning.

I'm not angry anymore. But I just couldn't give myself a reason to start all over again when I felt like a complete stranger whom I barely know for now. Things happened, couldn't be erased from my memory. Such a huge impact towards my emotion, which I don't think that I could ever forget about it. Things will never be the same again, that's for sure. Same goes to feelings. But whatever it is, deep down inside of me, I sincerely wish that this person who were once so significant to me, will be able to find happiness, and lead a perfect life with everything that is desired of. Be it in the career, relationships, love, family, dreams and so on.

While for me, I still need to constantly work on the trust issues that I have for now, and hopefully I will be able to trust completely again. At the same time, working on my emotional balance, staying away from negative thoughts and of course, the worst thing which is the feeling of putting life to an end, which in a way is a very selfish act. Before this, I didn't understand why the feeling of  doing so would have occurred to anyone, but now, I know. It is all the pain that's killing inside of you that you could barely withstand and counter with rationality. You couldn't do anything at all bout it but just dying to stop the pain at that moment itself. But whatever it is, no one should have attempted anything like this no matter how bad things are. Just got to keep holding on and believe that things will never stay that way forever. Find a tiny little strength to have faith that things will get better sooner or later. And you will be alright.

As for now, I am feeling much better. Improvements felt every single day eversince the last time I released my tension in a way that is indeed frightening to this one person in my life. But it is also through that moment I knew he really cares and sincere with a sense of guilt, which I of course had forgiven long time ago. I just got to keep going, keep trying to be positive no matter what happens. I may have become a ticking bomb after everything that I had been through in these 2 years, but I have faith that things will definitely get better as time goes by. =]

So now, all I got to do is to enjoy my last semester break in my study life, perhaps get a job in between to support my living as I always did, and strive to complete the last semester in order to graduate on time which I have planned. These are all possible, and I will achieve them, I know. =]

Couldn't believe that it has been close to seven months since the last post I published here. Its such a norm to me that the urge to blog will only exist when I am in a negative state of mind. Not sure if this applies to most people or perhaps its just me alone. So what actually happened during my disappearance in this blog? I don't think I would know the right place to begin my blabbing with. So much happened. So much to remember. So much forgotten. Sometimes, I just don't know what is right anymore. I don't get how things can be so perfect at one second, and then goes totally the opposite way the next. I don't even understand my own feelings anymore. I don't know what I really desire. I don't know what I expect. Its like in a total mess. At times, I felt annoyed by how things keep playing in my mind. The only thing I could conclude from all these is that I finally had enough of everything. I have reached the state where I don't want to get any involvement in anything. I got myself so filled up with fairy tale hopes, only to find it is all just fantasies. Illusions of happiness that I will keep myself away from.

But one thing I know for sure, I want everything to stop here and then. Putting a fullstop to where I am right now and finding the courage to move on. Leaving everything behind and close the chapters that were once so significant to me. I couldn't be wasting any more of my precious time. Once in a while, I got to remind myself on life's unpredictability. One day I'm here, the other I might just be gone. I just need to stop, take a look at where I am now, and start walking again when I've set my course clear. Be sure of what I really what, and from then only will I be able to start over again. I remember I read this thing from somewhere, where it goes something like this:

'Yes, the grass may always seems greener on the other side. But only if you spend some time to water your own grass, it will appear to be as green too.'

Which I find quite amusing and of course, very true at the same time.

But well, even after everything, I can still find myself some strength to walk out from this mess and work towards what I have always wanted to achieve.

In just another 5 more months baby, 5 more months. =]

Towards The End of The Semester

I am finally done with my assignments. And I've literally died from the last one. I got my butt stuck on the chair, completing the assignment for continuously 3 days. Seriously, the only time I left the working table was when I need to bathe and sleep for few hours. Even when I eat, its done while I was doing the assignment. The power of multi-tasking. =p

I should have started the assignment at the beginning of the semester. But there's just too many stuff happened, in which the love would prefer to call it as the 'unpredictable circumstances'. Too many things to handle, too little time left to focus on everything. And yea, I had a break down. Or I shall say break down-s. Involving many other different things, besides the assignment actually.

Afterall, I would love to thank my darling-s who have been a great help and were always there for me when I was in need. The amount of time and effort they have contributed on me, I deeply appreciate them. Without them, I'm seriously doom-ed. I would not be able to submit my last assignment on time. I'm seriously really happy to have these two awesome girls in my life, which I know I can always count on them when I need them. Love you girls lots, darl Yun and darl Xian! =D

And I also do appreciate the love's effort to drop by and make a surprise for me when I was in the about-to-explode-stress-level. Haha. No words could describe how happy I was to see him appear on my doorstep the other night when I was so fed up of the whole assignment. A big hug from him really ease all the pain and the stress away! Thank you, love. =]

Well, I seriously couldn't believe the amount of crap I've encountered for this entire semester. There's just way too many obstacles at this very short period of time. The amount of tears I've cried, the pain I've felt deep in my heart literally killed me already. I guess these kind of pain that cant be seen by the eyes are way more deadly than the pain I felt physically. Sometimes, I just felt like my heart died a little, bit by bit.

I have even reached a point where I just feel like running away from everything that I have and just look for something which may be like an inner peace thing. Something or somewhere I can go to have a peace of mind, with no worries of whatsoever that I am facing. But I realized that running away is not a good option at all. Its just a selfish act, where it may caused others to worry.

Hence, I always try to stay strong, not for myself, but for people around me who I love so dearly. They are the strength for me to stand back up at where I've fallen and move on. They are the confidence for me to face whatever that may comes in the future. =]

I must admit, I'm just an ordinary human with emotions. There will be times when I got so tired of being strong and I just want to let go and release all the pain I've kept inside. And when I do, I'll make sure I'll be good again right after that. =]

Perhaps life does give us obstacles for a good reason, which we may realized the benefit of it in the future. Maybe in my case, is to know who are the people who I can count on in my life and who are the people who worth every single piece of my heart. =]

For now, I'll just need to focus on my revision for the upcoming finals which begins next week. Then, its time to enjoy the one week holiday. =]

The Perfect Little Getaway

Been really busy lately. Most of my time is occupied with the assignments. There's assignment due every Monday started from last week. Although its group assignments, still it takes a long time to complete and even more time to compile everything. Most of all, I'm already panicking for my finals next month. I have not revise anything and at the same time, I need to focus on my assignments first. Hopefully by the time I've completed all the assignments, I still have plenty of time to complete my revisions. *fingers crossed*

Anyway, I finally got my very much needed getaway to just stay away from the hectic life and enjoy the beach without thinking bout anything else besides having a great time with the love. =]

We had a trip to Cherating, Kuantan and Genting, all in just three days time. Seriously, no amount of time is enough for me to be spent with the love. Its saddening that its just a short trip, but yet I'm really happy to be able to have a little getaway even its just within a short period time. Its the lovely memories which we have created that matters and makes everything worthwhile. =]

Well, its definitely the best Mid-autumn festival celebration I've ever had. And I can't wait to look forward to our next trip which I have no idea when. But I'm pretty sure there will be one. =D

Thank you for everything, love. You know that I <3 you dearly. =]

And yes, I miss those crazy, unstoppable, stomach-aching and contagious laughters that we had. =p

Tolerance

I am really starting to believe that there's a serious issue now. At this point, I'm starting to think if its really my problem. Too much of misunderstandings and now I'm doubting. I thought it is crucial to share all the thoughts and emotions to one another. I thought things are supposed to be spoken out to gain better understanding. I thought we could just leave our pride and listen in order to give and take.

How can things ever be good if only one side is expected to be heard and accepted. How can two minds ever think alike or reach an agreement on certain things when there's so many differences in nature besides than sharing, listening and accepting each others' point-of-views instead of both trying to win. Most of all, what's the point of sharing what one's really feel when the other party already have the mindset that they are right and what they focus on are just to make the other party to agree on their very own point-of-view. Imagine a tug-of-war. Both sides trying to get each other onto their sides. Its just a never ending story and at the end of the day, its just exhausting.

To be honest, I used to be someone who never likes to back down too. I've always wanted to get my message across, and expect the other person to accept it and just deal with it, disregard of whatever reasoning that they have given to disagree with me. Worst still, I just couldn't accept any different opinions countering to mine. Eventually, it leads to frustration and anger, both sides. How could possibly the same person always ended up being right and the other always wrong? It just doesn't make sense at all.

At one point, I learnt the true meaning of tolerance from a wise friend of mine. Its a very simple thing, but human tend to have ego and that's the whole obstacles to that. Given the thought about it, does anger make things better? Does yelling just to make the other person agree with you works? No. It just backfires. Imagine the tug-of-war again. Instead of each side exerting all their strengths to pull one another to their sides, what about each side taking a step forward towards each others' sides? There's no need to feel exhausted coz of the pulling, and yet, both get a step forward and still reaches a balance. A win-win situation.

The point is, all each party needs to do is to just listen, acknowledge and accept the other party's point-of-views and share their own point-of-views. Both needs to do the same thing in order to achieve the balance. Its impossible to reach that balance with only one party doing so. Its all about giving and taking. When both starts giving, both gets taking.

Again, I admit that I'm not perfect. Sometimes, I tend to give in to my own pride and ego too. I may still stand by my own point-of-views and get carried away. It is not easy for one to let go off their image and pride, and start listening. But I always remind myself and do my best to be tolerant.

Hence, sometimes I may be right and sometimes I may be wrong. But whatever it is, anger is just not a solution to anything. Screaming and yelling will just hurt one another and that's a fact. I never wanted to feel regret for saying anything hurtful just because I was blinded by anger. But if that's what I'm getting, perhaps, I shall just stop sharing what I really feel to avoid feeling sad or mad or hurt to both sides. There's just no point to it when things will get worse. Its just not fair to never have the chance to be heard and accepted and only expected to agree on the other side's point-of-view.

I'm making it a point to not shed anymore tears on things like this, ever.

Those little things

Its those little things that he remembers which really captures my heart. Every single detail, every single words said, every single things did, he can just remembers it so clearly. As a matter of fact, I really do enjoy listening to him, telling me all the things that we've done ever since we first met, officially. Those memories that I can replay it in my mind whenever he talks about it, it just makes me smile, effortlessly. With so, I feel appreciated and loved in every ways. =]

Its also the way those pair of eyes that looked at me everytime when I'm eating, when I'm doing my things, when I'm about to sleep, when I'm asleep, when I'm lying beside him, when I'm looking back at him which really makes me feel loved too. You just know its something when he looks at you the way nobody else has ever did in the same way. =]

Most of all, its those pair of arms which holds me from the back, that makes me feel safe and secure all the time. It provides the feeling that I can count on him no matter what happens and that he'll never abandon me whenever I'm in need. I found my comfort all the time. =]

Although at times, we may fight on small little things, but that doesn't mean I'll love him less. Its just a way to understand each other more and with that said, I'm glad to be able to have a chance to understand him more with each fight made. =]

I just couldn't believe I've found someone who knocks me off my feet, everytime. =]

And yes, I finally found someone. Its creepy that we both have this same song in our minds at the same time. How can this be such a coincidence. Told you that he can read my mind somehow. =p

I love you, silly. <3

Life Goes On

I couldn't imagine all the ups and downs, highs and lows that I've been through these few weeks. I was once told that I'm fine, and then the next thing I know, I'm not fine afterall. But there are things in life that you just couldn't runaway from but forced to accept whatever it is. I do admit it was like a slap on my face or a hard bang on the wall, I just didn't know what to do or how to react. I was in the state where I just broke down and cried my eyes out, knowing the fact that I just couldn't believe what was told. At that point, I just felt like the end of the world for me. Yea, that bad.

But as days went by, I just told myself that life still goes on no matter what happens. I wouldn't want to waste my life questioning why things happened this way, nor trying to find a blame to whatever that's happening to me. I wouldn't want to spent my days being upset nor making everyone around me worry. I need to be strong, both mentally and physically and take good care of myself to enjoy all the great things in life that I may have overlooked all these years.

Someone once said, no one can ever tell or be so certain of their own future. They may be successful or not successful, they may live rich or poor, they may be healthy or not healthy. Nobody can predict any accidents that they may faced. Nobody can tell how long someone may live. Someone may be fine today and not the next day. Life's full of unpredictability. Hence, its best that we live our lives to the fullest, every single day.

I know, whatever happens, I'm not alone. There are always people who loves me and be there for me all the time. And these are all I ever needed to move on in life. I just couldn't ask for more. =]

I may not know what's going to happen to me tomorrow, but I will always appreciate everything that I have, every single day when I opened my eyes to welcome a brand new day. =]

P/s: No matter how difficult our journey will be in the future, I promise, I'll always do whatever it takes to overcome it. <3

Life as unexpected

Things certainly may happened when you least expected it. I couldn't really imagine for the first time in my life, I reached a point where I felt so helpless. So lost without knowing what I am capable of doing anymore. All this while, I thought I could be in control of everything I wanted to do. The thought of the destiny is within my own bare hands has been plastered in my mind like forever.

Its so weird when you have the feeling that you're not ready to leave everything behind unattended. Its weird when you feel like life has not been enough for you all these years. Its scares so much to be unknown of how things will turn out to be when you're no longer present with the ones you love. All that's in the mind was how would their lives be from then? Will they be doing great? Will they be happy? You have no idea if you can send all your messages across just in time. All you wanted was just for the time to stand still and be given a chance to complete everything before its too late. Say whatever you want to say to everyone around. Revealing every tiny bit of real feelings to everyone around.

The thing is, somehow, there's this unexplainable feeling of relieved that I've encountered when my mind was totally in a mess. Apart of me felt like I will be in good hands if I'll ever be gone. The thought of my beloved grandma did enlightened me up. I miss her dearly. =]

Well, it really breaks my heart so much to know that everyone around who cares bout me were dead worry of my condition. I never meant to cause them any sadness. If I could, I would want to take those worries all away, leaving nothing but happiness and fond memories of me instead.

This incident has certainly reminded me of things and people that I appreciate most in my life. Knowing that everyone will always stand by me, supporting me whenever I need them. Especially family members. Mom, dad and bro who will never leave me by my side at all, working so hard to take care of me with the hope that everything will be fine every single second of my life. I just couldn't thank them enough for everything that they did for me. I really do love them from the very bottom of my heart. =] I really do pray and hope that mom will always stay happy no matter what may comes in the future. Its a promise that I will make her happy as long as I'm around with her for as long as I live. =] Also, I will need to spend more quality time or having more outing with the family from now onwards.

Also, close friends and awesome friends. Putting their best efforts to comfort me time to time, convincing that everything will be great. I'm not blind to see that they were worry to death too of my condition. I know of their intention to channel the positive energy towards me by putting up a happy and 'everything will be okie' face whenever they see me. And I'm really grateful for that. It did somehow made my day each time. I do feel better all the time having them around, being face-to-face or even through simple text messages over the phone. I'm really blessed to have these good awesome friends in my life. Love you guys alot. =]

*Especially darling Xin Yun, after knowing you for close to ten years. Eversince the age of 13 I guess. You've been such a caring friend to me, being with me throughout all my ups and downs in my life. All the pains, cries and laughters we've shared together are all really valuable to me. <3 *

As for others, who came to visit me in the hospital, or those who sent a simple message to ask and concern bout me, or even those crazy bunch who came to kidnap me out from my house just to make me feel less like a sick patient. Thank you so much. =]

Lastly, the one thing that really concerns me of is the love. At a point, I felt so much of a regret if things will just have to stop at where it is now, knowing the fact that I wasn't given much chance to understand this particular person in my life who matters a lot to me now. Deep inside, I just wanted to fulfil my own promise to provide happiness and undying care and attention to this person eversince I let him in my heart from the very beginning. At least, I will do my best for now while I still can. =]

To be honest, the whole incident did create a huge impact on my life now. Its a lie if I said I don't feel a single worry at all. The fear of uncertainty. Nobody can really predict what will ever happen the very next day. But one thing I learnt, I will just need to live my life to the fullest every single day. Shouldn't let myself live with any single regrets everyday. Do things that I've always wanted to do. Achieve something in life that means alot to me or even to everyone around me. Finish my studies, graduate, get the job that I've always wanted, achieve my own little dream, providing happiness to everyone around every single day. =]

Of course, apart of that, gotta take good care of my health. Eating healthy, living a healthy lifestyle. Focusing more on the positivity instead of the negativity. It will definitely be easier said than done. But, I will try my best. Just do it instead. =]

At least, I know I did all I can to make the best out of my life. =D

Lots of love to everyone in my life.

Clumsy Me

I will not deny that I am indeed the clumsiest girl in the world. How could I not possibly notice that I dropped a stack of cards which includes my IC, license and my credit card from my wallet. Although I really do love my old and torn wallet, I just don't think I shall use it anymore. Or else, my things will just fell off from it again. And the next time, I might not be that lucky anymore.

It all started with me holding my wallet and my phones instead of carrying them in my tiny lil bag like I always do. That was because I just had my badminton session which ended at 11pm and then headed to Murni SS2 with the awesome bunch. While I was happily on the phone with the love, that was when I actually dropped my cards and I could just sense something was wrong when I got home. And worst still, when I was actually on the bed, trying to get some sleep. I went down from the bed, checked my wallet and I just got panicked right away, calling all my friends to check in their cars, just in case it was fell of in the car. Unfortunately no. And Do actually told me that they saw a stack of cards on the floor in Murni and they just laughed about it coz of the picture. And yes, it was my ugly picture which was taken more than 10 years back. Urgh.

I cancelled the credit card right away and I was so grateful that Pinny and his bf actually went back to Murni to find it for me. Guess luck was on my side, as they really managed to find it back. The whole stack of the cards. Was told that the worker took it up, bundled it up with a string and kept in the counter, just in case the owner (which is me) will return and look for it. Seriously, they are just so thoughtful and kind. Now, I like Murni even more. I shall visit them more often for their Watermelon Special. =D

Owh, by the way, I realised I lost my cards at around 2 in the morning. Hence, I only managed to sleep at 3 sth and woke up this morning at 6am. Had to attend this kindergarten workshop in Kepong. It was so exhausting but at the same time, it was fun having activities with the kids. I had fun playing the blindfold game where others who are not blindfolded have to direct the blindfolded ones to search for a pingpong ball that was placed around them. =]

Well, back to last night's incident, I'm really glad and thankful to have this awesome peeps as my great friends who stayed up late because of me and even went all the way back to Murni just to help to find my stuff back. I really do appreciate it alot! *You guys are just so awesome. Thank you!*

Hence, I am now using a new wallet and I shall make sure that the same incident will not occur again. *Fingers crossed* =]

Also, the bruises and tiny spots are still visible on my arms and legs. Hopefully the vitamins will really make them disappear right away.

My Greatest Appreciation

You just know life's awesome when you have awesome friends around you. Not only awesome friends, but also awesome family members and relatives around you. =]

My 21st birthday party was great! Seriously, I was really stressed out by the preparations and many others things for this party. After all, I must say all the stress are so worth it. So so worth it. Of course, I gotta really thank my mom for making this happened for me. She was the mastermind behind the whole thing. She insisted that I should throw a party when I was so lazy to have one. Despite all the stress-ness and the tantrums that I've shown to her, she's still the awesome-est mom to me. *Thank you, mummy! You're the best.*

Also, I gotta thank the bro and his gf for being my awesome photographers for the night. I was pretty disappointed that a friend who made a promise to me earlier actually broke his promise and worse still, no where to be found. But nvm, this big bro got it covered. =]

And dad, happy birthday to you too. Haha. Both dad and my birthday were only three days apart from each other. So, it was great celebrating our birthdays together. Of course, with his good friends who came for our party too. =]

Next in line will be the love. I'm really grateful for his patience to listen to all my blabbing when I was in stress. I might have shown my tantrum to him too and I'm really sorry for that. But deep down inside I really want to thank him for being there for me when I was in need. *hugs and kisses to you dear*

Last but not least, I really want to thank all my relatives and friends who came all the way to my party. Some were staying pretty far who came all the way just to make it to my party. I really really deeply appreciate it. Thank you very much. =]

Well, what I realized from tonight was that I'm really thankful to have this awesome girl in my life who I know loves me very much from the bottom of her heart. And I still remember very clearly the first time ever I met this special girl. The first day of my foundation year, I stood outside the class, and she came up to me, asking if it was the right class for that particular subject that we were having that morning. We were actually both late for the class. We then entered the class together and we sat next to each other. Eversince then, she became the treasure in my life. She made me speak Mandarin when I was so suck at it and turned me into a pro-mandarin speaker now. Of course, after all the humiliation I got from saying the words wrongly and became a laughing stock to everyone around us. However, I know she meant well. =]

We may have just managed to spent a year studying together and knowing each other in Utar and only managed to meet up few times in a year, but with such a strong bond that we had, I'm pretty sure nothing will ever be able to replace it in our lives. We don't really need to hear from each other every single day, coz we know, we will always have each other in our hearts. =]

She always care for me, especially when I was upset. I know she's upset whenever I do too. She's always protective towards my feelings and never wanted me to get hurt from anyone around me. She even ensures and reminds my bf to treat me right too.

Now that I realized, that I'm so blessed with such a lovely friend in my life. =]

With all the hugs and kisses and the tears that were cried for me tonight, thank you soooooo much for being such an awesome friend in my life, Chye Ying. And to the very bottom of my heart, I really really really do love you alot too. You'll always have me and I'll always be there for you whenever you need me, I promise. =] *hugs and kisses*

Thank you for coming all the way from Kampar darling. You're the best. =D

And thank you again to everyone who came for my party. Have a great weekend! =]

Big Day Preparation

Bersih has finally ended. No more roadblocks and horrifying sights of tear gas released. According to the brother who went to the rally, the city was indeed in a chaos. At least, its all over now.

Anyway, its funny that there are some of my friends who got confused on the date of my party. I don't know whether to feel disappointed or how but I just had a slight feeling that they actually didn't bother much about it. Its kind of clear on the date of the party as it was written twice in the event page itself. Sigh. Whatever it is, its entirely up to these people to decide on attending or not. At least I did my part of inviting them. I wouldn't be dumb enough to hold an event on the Bersih day afterall. =S

Well, I guess the preparations are pretty much done. Most of the things are actually arranged by my beloved awesome brother and hopefully everything will be great on this saturday. So, thanks bro! =]

I can't wait to see my awesome friends who I've not met for some time. Surely going to be lots of catching up to do. At the same time, its surely awesome to be around the people who matters alot to me on that special day. =D

And now, I'm just counting down till the day the love is back.

With all the endless conversations we had at night and the warmth of your arms around me all the time, it never fails to put a smile on my face before I go to bed every single night.

Happy first monthsary dear. <3

At the same time, Happy 21st Birthday, darl Xian! You know I love you always! *Hugs and kisses* <3

Just Another Story

I'm starting to believe that people may actually come across with one another or may even have several encounters without knowing the fact that they did before they really know each other. And then it came with a shock once they found out that they have met before, just that they were strangers to each other at that moment of time.

Not only that, it is indeed a very small world that we are living in too. One day, you just found out that most of your friends know each other, and someone will be like a friend's friend of yours. Mutual friend, or whatever you call it. Its just out of a sudden that everyone seems to know each other.

As in my case, I've never imagine myself being in places that were so near to someone who matters so much to me now, way before I know of his existence. I'm pretty sure I've passed by him many times before in my life, or more precisely during the secondary school moment where most of the time I'll be making my way to and fro the tuition centre back in form 4. Its funny to think that I was actually so near to this particular person and it took us like forever to know each other. So near yet so far I guess. =p

Its just another story of how strangers became lovers anyway.

I remember this friend of mine who had shared her story of how she knew her husband few years ago. I was pretty much impressed that its so much similar to those which I've watched from a movie where they both worked in the same office building. Always bumping into each other in the lift. The guy finally made an approached to ask for the girl's contact after some period of time. Guy messaged girl. Guy asked for a date with the girl. They coupled. They married. Happy ending. =p

The thing is, you may not possibly imagine how you will meet your other half in life. It may be quite unexpectable sometimes. But no matter how it was started at the beginning, I'm pretty sure that everyone would want to be able to reflect back in the future and be glad that they have found each other in their lives. <3

Now, what was your story? =]

New Semester

I guess first week of classes are usually more relaxed as there's not much of teaching involved. Its usually just the discussion on the assessments and examination stuff. The choosing of subjects is the one that caused us headache before the first class on Monday. Fortunately, we managed to arrange the suitable subjects and agreed on taking the same subjects with the awesome peeps. This way, we will be able to do the assignments together as a group. Much easier to communicate and helpful in delegating the tasks. =p

It certainly feels good to be hanging out with the bunch of awesome peeps again after two weeks of break where everyone was busy working while one of them was busy with her trip. Envy much! =p I just can't wait for the Tom Yam night in Pinny's place again next Tuesday. Its gonna be movie night too. How awesome! More fun for us. =]

We work hard and play hard too. =]

Anyway, I'm so envy of the love who will be having a whale of time for the whole week. Looking at him, I just know that he's so excited already. Haha. Bid farewell an hour ago and I know, the week will just feel like forever to me now. And I'm just so glad that he'll be back for the big day. =]

At the mean time, you can hold on to my words that I gave to you. <3

The Month of July

Three weeks of semester break is coming to an end soon. Spent the first week itself doing nothing but hanging out with the awesome peeps while for the second and third week, I've been pretty much occupied by the new job. I love working in Discovery House indeed. It was so much fun, so much to learn and its all about the positive energy. =]

Each day, I woke up with the mindset of wanting to learn more in DH and somehow, apart of me feels a little sad, knowing the fact that I got to concentrate more on my studies again once the new semester starts on Monday. I'll not be able to be in DH everyday, depending on the timetable for the subjects that I'll be taking for this new semester. So far, I'm pretty satisfied with the subjects and the timetable that I've chosen. However, I'll still need to finalize them with my awesome peeps to see if the subjects are agreeable to be taken together so that we will be able to work together in a group for the assignments given. =]

As for now, I'll still be committed to DH. Learning is just so much fun, especially when you're working together with a bunch of fun loving peeps. =] Eventhough I got to travel far daily, yet its still so worth it.

Anyway, classes will be commencing on Monday and the love will be away for a week. Hopefully, I'll be so occupied with the first week of classes and the catching up with the awesome peeps, so that the time flies in just a blink of an eye. This way, I won't realized that he's away for a week.

Also, I would want to request for souvenirs too. Haha! =p

And luckily enough, the love will be able to make it for my big day. =D

Its going to be an awesome month for sure! =]

Just Embrace It

Okie, I choked. I got cold feet. I admit that. Very often, I just ignore and tend to shake it off my mind just like that, while concentrating on everything else. Now I do believe how things can just haunt you at times. Also, I do realized how big impact it creates with the haunting. I never like pointing fingers. I never like to live with anger too. But sometimes, there are just things that you can't forget or you just can't wish that things will disappear from the memory. The more you fight it, the worse things could be. Perhaps, that pretty much explains the existence of fear in me. I guess most of the time, I've been concentrating on ensuring things will never end up with the same results again. I've focused too much on my fear and it never came into my mind to learn how to embrace it instead. I hold things so tightly and calculated every steps taken, leaving myself with no space to breathe and no room for any error. In the end, I just suffocate, dragging everything else around me.

Someone once told me, 'Your feelings are so screwed up because of what you've been through in life, and you just got lost and out of track. How much I wish that all these had never occur to you'.

I used to think that whatever said was right. I tend to think myself in that way too. I'm just comfortable believing in the victim story like most would be. I gave myself an excuse and then I just start living with worries everyday. Every single time, I think of all the possible consequences. Not the positive ones, but thinking of the possibilities of things that could go wrong. I just lost my trust.

However, last night just got me pondered on everything that I'm going through at this moment of my life. Even though I do voice out my feelings at times, I just never wanted to make known of my expectations and just hope that it can be met. And when it doesn't, I just suck it in and continue hoping till I got so tired of it. Hence, I realized its just me, myself who got myself exhausted. Its true that I may lost my way somewhere in the middle, but it is crucial to get right back on track once I knew it.

And now that I realized it, I'm ready to just accept the past and let things happen eventually as long as I commit and do the best I can for my side. I will never want to expect anything more in return. I shall trust unconditionally and open up myself once again. Also, to embrace whatever that may come for me from then. I don't deny that results are important, but what matters most is how you're doing it to achieve the desired results. It can be many ways, but I would want to be able to look back one day and glad that I had a wonderful happy journey without any regrets.

Just be authentic and accept whatever that may comes. =]

Awesome Weekend

I know I've mentioned bout my perspective of clubbing in my previous post before this. And yes, I did go clubbing with the bunch of crazy awesome peeps on Friday night. As usual, Friday is a playday. Quoted by Uncle Do. Haha. If it wasn't for these awesome people, I would never have agreed to be there at all. I did enjoyed myself on the dance floor with them and made all those moves with the girls. Mind me, I said girls. =p

But clubbing is a very exhausting activity indeed. Just less than half an hour, I felt like collapsing already. Looking on the brighter side, like Do said, it tones up the abs. =p However, I don't think I will be doing this in the near future. Probably the next blue moon. Had the experience and fun with the peeps and that's enough for now. =p

So, I've pretty much spent an awesome weekend. Friday night with the awesome peeps. Saturday night out with mom and dad to my uncles and aunties' new Overtime in Manjalara. Then, spending whole Sunday afternoon making cards and dinner with dad at night. Also, meeting the love too. =]

Anyway, there won't be any more trip for me during this semester break as I'll be working starting from Monday, which means tomorrow. And I've decided to gain new experiences by working with the kids this time. I did help out my friend in his kids training previously, and this time, its going to be long term. Hopefully I'll be able to learn up lots of skills on kids handling too. Really can't wait for it. =]

At the same time, I can't wait for Tuesday to arrive too. Been cracking my head to get things done. And yes, I've even attempted something new that may come handy in the future too. Hopefully, things will turn out great. =D

Whatever

Truth has finally revealed. I know things would turn out exactly like how it is now. I did prepare myself to embrace whatever that may come. I've figured out every possibility of how things could ended up like. I never wanted to involve anyone else but only myself. Often, I wanted to just say things out loud, but I just tend to care too much of the consequences and the emotions that I need to go through. Many times, I just suck it up, and hold back from blabbering everything out. I know clearly that I don't want to be emotionally pressured. I just want to be in the stress-free state.

I do know that many would be thinking and deciding who should be listed as at fault. Or worse still, deciding who should be blamed. But let me clarify this, no matter how awesome someone else is treating me, I wouldn't even have a single thought of it if I'm so happy with the state I was in at that time. Things wouldn't be like now if responsibilities are taken seriously. No matter what, I believe I owe myself happiness. I owe myself a chance to be treated better. I shall stop concerning bout how everyone else feels but myself. At the end of the day, I do realized that nobody can stop this nightmare but myself. No point thinking of everything else when all they think about are themselves too.

Things happened after everything was cleared up and had a long thought about the consequences that may happened. Nobody owes any explanations in this case. Nobody was in the picture when my decision was made anyway. A good man who showed me the importance of my existence in his life, there's nothing else that I would want to ask for more. Its just so that its not someone unknown and everyone starts to create havoc out of it. Between someone who's been treating you like crap and anyone at all who is treating you awesome, you can do the maths.

I'm tired of being treated as just a 'company'. The feelings I had was ignored. The need I had was ignored. Excuses given when promises were broken. Those are just crap to me. These things wouldn't even have happened at the first place if I was so important at all. So many chances wouldn't be wasted too. Enough is enough. Sometimes, just stop, think about yourself before you start judging others. Also, for anyone at all, know both sides of the story before judging too.

From now on, I'm just going to treasure things that are worth of my concern. Its just too late for any changes that were supposed to be made at the first time, second time and the umpteenth time.

Feelings

Its been so long ever since the last time I felt the way I am feeling now. I can't believe that there are a few people in my life that are telling me almost the same thing, at the same time. Statements made that really touch my heart. And I can't believe that there are people who has been keeping his feelings to himself for more than a year. Of course, it never come across my mind that he had that feeling. Its just so sudden to know it now.

Its funny that all these years I've been only putting all my hopes, thoughts, concern and whatsoever on a single thing, which actually brought me sadness most of the time. Yes, there are indeed happy moments, that's for sure. But, unfortunately, the bad ones kinda over-weigh the good ones. Certainty just strikes this time, when I knew I took a really long period of time to think things through, including the outcome and the future. I know I'm ready to face any consequences and embrace the changes that are about to come.

And I know I won't be alone.

The words are heard and I know its true.

Start of Something New

The finals exam is over! Which means, the semester has ended. Time really really flies. Nevertheless, it has been one awesome semester in my second year. Knowing a bunch of awesome but yet crazy friends had really lighten up my life recently, especially during the moments of stress. We know how to have fun, but at the same time, knowing when to burn the midnight oil when its necessary, usually after we had fun. Haha!

And now, I'll be having a three weeks break, till the new semester commence again in July. Not sure if I'll be able to find a suitable job for this short period of time, but will just look out for it. But the main concern is that there might be a road trip next week. And when there's road trip, there's no work. Somehow, I couldn't be bothered much. Holiday is a holiday, right Felicia and Uncle Do? =p

Well, I'm really glad that everything is so settled now. No doubts, no disappointments, no nothing. Just happy moments, and hopefully more to come starting from today. And I will for sure hold on tight to what I have now. =]

As for tonight, its going to be a whale of time! Soiree at the awesome Pinny's crib, just for us the crazy bunch with awesome shabu shabu, liquors and games. =p