Just Embrace It

Okie, I choked. I got cold feet. I admit that. Very often, I just ignore and tend to shake it off my mind just like that, while concentrating on everything else. Now I do believe how things can just haunt you at times. Also, I do realized how big impact it creates with the haunting. I never like pointing fingers. I never like to live with anger too. But sometimes, there are just things that you can't forget or you just can't wish that things will disappear from the memory. The more you fight it, the worse things could be. Perhaps, that pretty much explains the existence of fear in me. I guess most of the time, I've been concentrating on ensuring things will never end up with the same results again. I've focused too much on my fear and it never came into my mind to learn how to embrace it instead. I hold things so tightly and calculated every steps taken, leaving myself with no space to breathe and no room for any error. In the end, I just suffocate, dragging everything else around me.

Someone once told me, 'Your feelings are so screwed up because of what you've been through in life, and you just got lost and out of track. How much I wish that all these had never occur to you'.

I used to think that whatever said was right. I tend to think myself in that way too. I'm just comfortable believing in the victim story like most would be. I gave myself an excuse and then I just start living with worries everyday. Every single time, I think of all the possible consequences. Not the positive ones, but thinking of the possibilities of things that could go wrong. I just lost my trust.

However, last night just got me pondered on everything that I'm going through at this moment of my life. Even though I do voice out my feelings at times, I just never wanted to make known of my expectations and just hope that it can be met. And when it doesn't, I just suck it in and continue hoping till I got so tired of it. Hence, I realized its just me, myself who got myself exhausted. Its true that I may lost my way somewhere in the middle, but it is crucial to get right back on track once I knew it.

And now that I realized it, I'm ready to just accept the past and let things happen eventually as long as I commit and do the best I can for my side. I will never want to expect anything more in return. I shall trust unconditionally and open up myself once again. Also, to embrace whatever that may come for me from then. I don't deny that results are important, but what matters most is how you're doing it to achieve the desired results. It can be many ways, but I would want to be able to look back one day and glad that I had a wonderful happy journey without any regrets.

Just be authentic and accept whatever that may comes. =]

Awesome Weekend

I know I've mentioned bout my perspective of clubbing in my previous post before this. And yes, I did go clubbing with the bunch of crazy awesome peeps on Friday night. As usual, Friday is a playday. Quoted by Uncle Do. Haha. If it wasn't for these awesome people, I would never have agreed to be there at all. I did enjoyed myself on the dance floor with them and made all those moves with the girls. Mind me, I said girls. =p

But clubbing is a very exhausting activity indeed. Just less than half an hour, I felt like collapsing already. Looking on the brighter side, like Do said, it tones up the abs. =p However, I don't think I will be doing this in the near future. Probably the next blue moon. Had the experience and fun with the peeps and that's enough for now. =p

So, I've pretty much spent an awesome weekend. Friday night with the awesome peeps. Saturday night out with mom and dad to my uncles and aunties' new Overtime in Manjalara. Then, spending whole Sunday afternoon making cards and dinner with dad at night. Also, meeting the love too. =]

Anyway, there won't be any more trip for me during this semester break as I'll be working starting from Monday, which means tomorrow. And I've decided to gain new experiences by working with the kids this time. I did help out my friend in his kids training previously, and this time, its going to be long term. Hopefully I'll be able to learn up lots of skills on kids handling too. Really can't wait for it. =]

At the same time, I can't wait for Tuesday to arrive too. Been cracking my head to get things done. And yes, I've even attempted something new that may come handy in the future too. Hopefully, things will turn out great. =D

Whatever

Truth has finally revealed. I know things would turn out exactly like how it is now. I did prepare myself to embrace whatever that may come. I've figured out every possibility of how things could ended up like. I never wanted to involve anyone else but only myself. Often, I wanted to just say things out loud, but I just tend to care too much of the consequences and the emotions that I need to go through. Many times, I just suck it up, and hold back from blabbering everything out. I know clearly that I don't want to be emotionally pressured. I just want to be in the stress-free state.

I do know that many would be thinking and deciding who should be listed as at fault. Or worse still, deciding who should be blamed. But let me clarify this, no matter how awesome someone else is treating me, I wouldn't even have a single thought of it if I'm so happy with the state I was in at that time. Things wouldn't be like now if responsibilities are taken seriously. No matter what, I believe I owe myself happiness. I owe myself a chance to be treated better. I shall stop concerning bout how everyone else feels but myself. At the end of the day, I do realized that nobody can stop this nightmare but myself. No point thinking of everything else when all they think about are themselves too.

Things happened after everything was cleared up and had a long thought about the consequences that may happened. Nobody owes any explanations in this case. Nobody was in the picture when my decision was made anyway. A good man who showed me the importance of my existence in his life, there's nothing else that I would want to ask for more. Its just so that its not someone unknown and everyone starts to create havoc out of it. Between someone who's been treating you like crap and anyone at all who is treating you awesome, you can do the maths.

I'm tired of being treated as just a 'company'. The feelings I had was ignored. The need I had was ignored. Excuses given when promises were broken. Those are just crap to me. These things wouldn't even have happened at the first place if I was so important at all. So many chances wouldn't be wasted too. Enough is enough. Sometimes, just stop, think about yourself before you start judging others. Also, for anyone at all, know both sides of the story before judging too.

From now on, I'm just going to treasure things that are worth of my concern. Its just too late for any changes that were supposed to be made at the first time, second time and the umpteenth time.

Feelings

Its been so long ever since the last time I felt the way I am feeling now. I can't believe that there are a few people in my life that are telling me almost the same thing, at the same time. Statements made that really touch my heart. And I can't believe that there are people who has been keeping his feelings to himself for more than a year. Of course, it never come across my mind that he had that feeling. Its just so sudden to know it now.

Its funny that all these years I've been only putting all my hopes, thoughts, concern and whatsoever on a single thing, which actually brought me sadness most of the time. Yes, there are indeed happy moments, that's for sure. But, unfortunately, the bad ones kinda over-weigh the good ones. Certainty just strikes this time, when I knew I took a really long period of time to think things through, including the outcome and the future. I know I'm ready to face any consequences and embrace the changes that are about to come.

And I know I won't be alone.

The words are heard and I know its true.

Start of Something New

The finals exam is over! Which means, the semester has ended. Time really really flies. Nevertheless, it has been one awesome semester in my second year. Knowing a bunch of awesome but yet crazy friends had really lighten up my life recently, especially during the moments of stress. We know how to have fun, but at the same time, knowing when to burn the midnight oil when its necessary, usually after we had fun. Haha!

And now, I'll be having a three weeks break, till the new semester commence again in July. Not sure if I'll be able to find a suitable job for this short period of time, but will just look out for it. But the main concern is that there might be a road trip next week. And when there's road trip, there's no work. Somehow, I couldn't be bothered much. Holiday is a holiday, right Felicia and Uncle Do? =p

Well, I'm really glad that everything is so settled now. No doubts, no disappointments, no nothing. Just happy moments, and hopefully more to come starting from today. And I will for sure hold on tight to what I have now. =]

As for tonight, its going to be a whale of time! Soiree at the awesome Pinny's crib, just for us the crazy bunch with awesome shabu shabu, liquors and games. =p

Praying hard

Yesterday was the first time ever I've reached the most extreme level of stressness over my studies. I am always stressful during the finals but this time, it was really really bad. I was panicking over CB, knowing the fact that it took me hours to finish one case study when I attempted to write it as a practice. In the exam, I gotta write 1 freaking long case study with 3 long essays which requires at least 2 booklets of answers. So I stayed up, studying with Do and Felicia till 3 in the morning. And by the time I got home, I felt so much relieved that I managed to cover most of the revision for the paper the next day, which is today.

However, things didn't get any better as in the exam, I actually didn't manage to finish answering all the questions. I did not complete my case study, just halfway done and out of 3 long essays, I only did 2. Which left me praying to get at least a pass for this subject, no other choice. Again, I was devastated knowing the fact that I only have a 50-50 chance of passing. Sigh. It really sucks.

For now, I can just focus on the other 3 subjects that I will be sitting for on Friday and the following week.

Also, there's this thing that I just couldn't take it anymore. I know things have always ended up the same way. Countless of same experience. And I've always think about other matters that I've established along the way. Hesitated to start all over again. But now, I know very clearly that I would just forget bout it and start from the bottom again, rather than having to experience the same routine or cycle for the rest of my life. I don't want to waste any more time and effort on things that will never change.

With that said, I was actually really surprised when there's someone who understand exactly what I was feeling and manage to speak out what was the reason behind all that. And yea, I really starting to feel that this person can really reads my mind or is able to see through me.

And with what I have and experiencing now, I just don't want to mess it up even when most of the time I actually felt the uncertainty.

Kids Made My Day

I will be sitting for my first paper in less than 2 days. And here I am, blogging instead of trying to practice my crapping skills as much as possible like others do. =p

To be honest, this paper will be the first crapping paper I've ever had. As in really crapping with very limited time given. Expected craps of 3 to 4 booklets maybe. I'm not sure if I can really do it, but I will just have to do it. No other choice given. With all the stories told by friends who have taken the subject before, there's no time for stopping or thinking of what to crap. And when the time is up, you'll never get to feel your hands and fingers anymore. Its all numbed. Sigh, now this makes me sick.

Perhaps, I shall force myself to practice the whole day tomorrow, after the kids thingy. I've actually promised a friend to help him out in his kids activities in Mayter. What's my job? Not babysitting okie. Its more like making friends with the kids, guiding them and joining them for the activities. It is indeed fun, but tiring too. I have 11 kids in my group, and when each of them calling out for your attention, you'll go 'huh' , 'what', 'yes', 'no', 'okie', 'wait' and whatsoever. =p

But still, I love being around these kids. They are just so adorable and active and so into everything. They bring positive vibe and energy around them all the time. Most of all, they made me happy when I see them smile too. =]

I don't feel lame doing whatever the kids are doing. I don't feel lame dancing to the chicken song and wriggling around with them. Kids don't care about whatsoever image you have. They couldn't care less if you are cool or un-cool to them. They just want a friend who'll listen to them and acknowledge whatever they did and have fun at the same time. =]

And now, I can't wait to see those lovely little ones tomorrow morning. =D

Of course, once I'm done in the afternoon, I'll do my crapping practice the whole day. =p

Fullstop

Finals is just a week away. And I have allowed myself to be at the lowest mood I could possibly be today. Only just for a day. I realized that I might have been avoiding most of the things that might hit me hard in the near future. The reason why, I just want to stay away from adding any more stress-ness to my life for the time being. I can already foresee what's coming anyway.

Most of the time, I'm just tired being the one who pleases others. Also, being the one who swallows all the disappointment without a word said. And now, I just couldn't be bothered anymore. I've recalled mentioning that one of these days, things will reach a state where I don't even feel a thing no more. Who to be blamed now? No one, cause it just doesn't matter anymore.

And this time, its nothing to do with anything else but just myself and what I really wanted in life. I don't think I can keep up with what I'm doing now for another round of years I had. Although everyone knows of my biggest weakness, but I just got to focus on the future.

The fullstop got to be there and everything needs to come clean. Perhaps, once I'm done with the finals.

For the time being, I'm happy with what I had recently. Being around with a bunch of awesome people did make most of my days. =]

Most of all, I really appreciate the effort and enjoyed the journey of all sands, thunders and lightnings. =]

Word of the day: I'm dying already

I've seriously repeated this phrase for gazillion times ever since yesterday till this evening. The assignment literally killed me, again and again. It was so much to be done and everything was going haywire at the last minute. The stress of editing the work repetitively, the compilation, grammar correction and so much more. Of course, I was panicking over the whole assignment throughout these two days. Uncle Do knows it, with all his 'chill lar' towards me. =p *Thanks uncle, for accompanying me with all my messed up printing and whatsoever today =] *

But I'm really really glad that someone actually saved me from the misery of drowning in the pool of stress-ness. It felt so good to be able to take a break from the chaos and just relax for an hour or two. Okie, initially was supposed to be only bout at most, two to three hours. But, without realising, it actually summed up to almost 8 hours. Its been quite some time eversince the last time I had deep conversations for hours, sharing all the feelings I've had inside of me. Although some are of sadness, but there are also some which brought me smile and laughter. =]

And I'm really glad and appreciate the ears lent throughout the night. *Even if the ears may come with high fee charges =p * Although I practically felt like a real panda or zombie during the lecture today, it was definitely worth every second of my sleep that I have sacrificed. =]

Also, I really wanted to attend the morning class, but after the persuasion and the insist, I gave in and decided that I shall just forget bout it. The bed was indeed tempting enough. =p

But whatever it is, I had a great time and I have yet to collect my debt of 60 cents which has now accumulated to a total of RM1.10. =p

Mummy Love

I know most of you will be wondering why am I blogging instead of concentrating mainly on my assignment-typing instead. Knowing that I've been complaining bout assignments stressing and all most of the time. =p But blogging is a way to express my feelings, and at the same time I can take the stress out of my mind for a moment.

Owh well, sometimes I just felt like I'm lucky enough to have such a wonderful mom. And no, I'm not saying this in conjunction of mother's day which was few days ago. I just love the fact that I can share everything bout my life with her. She's just like a great friend who knows the right kind of advice to give whenever I felt lost or uncertain on something. I also enjoy listening to her stories of life when she was back in my age. Sometimes, I felt like she was so much alike me when she was young. Or perhaps, I should say the other way round which I am so much alike her when she was young. Haha. Well, like mother, like daughter I guess. =p

Most of the time, she just know what is bothering me without having me to tell her what really happened. She knows what confuses me, what makes me happy, what makes me sad and what I really wanted. Even so, she often gives me enough room to make my own decision despite giving me her piece of advices. Sometimes, I just have the feeling like she's guiding me to the right path in life based on her own experience in life. Its like she may wants to ensure that I will not make any mistakes that she might had made when she was at my age. So that I will not have to go through any heartache or sadness like she did before. =]

Of course, sometimes, a mom will still be a mom. With all the nagging on small little things, like not having my meals everytime or sleeping late every night. =p

But no matter what, I still love her, very much. =]

Also, I felt so much joy lately. Sometimes, its just some simple things that puts a smile on your face. <3

Club. Yes no?

The other day, a friend of mine suggested to hit the club one of these days. She said, clubbing is awesome as you can dance and have a great time. But well, I might have a different thinking on that. The reason why I never really club is because I don't really like loud places. Especially when its crowded too. Drinking is fine, but I would prefer to be drinking in a nice quiet lounge or pub instead of a club, where you can really have a decent comfortable conversation with your friends instead of having to shout your lungs out to get your conversation going.

Another reason is that, I did experience like few times and there are just some guys who will be desperate enough to get near you. Especially on the dance floor where their hands or whatever it is that will be trying hard enough to be on your waist. And please don't tell me its networking, coz it is clearly not. Plus, I don't think it feels great to have someone's arms over me when I don't even know him well. You may think it helps gaining popularity, but that's for sure not the kind of attraction that I would want to have.

But, I don't really mind at all if I were to be going with friends who I know well. Provided, we will only stick to each other on the dance floor and not any other strangers. =p Also, not doing it often. Once in a while will be just fine. =]

Anyway, I have still yet to get to Shah Alam for the cycling plan for weeks. Its either the weather problem or there's something that came up at the last minute. Owh well, there's so many things that I wanted to do but the final exam is just around the corner, which starts on June 1st. And assignments to be submitted in these two weeks too. Going to be a very busy month for me. Stressful as well. And once everything's done, I can then focus on my job for a month or two. =]

Even so, I will still be hanging out with the awesome ppl around me. Taking it as a way to release stress. At least, something that I can look forward to all the time. =p

And seriously, I need to meet up with darling Yun soon. Lotsa catching up to do. *Please date me asap, darl. =p *

Relationship

Have you listened to For The First Time by The Script? I'm totally hooked on to it now. Beautiful lyrics with awesome voice. No doubt bout it. =] Its currently at the top of my playlist. Funny thing is, I often link music to my feelings. I listen to music which can really relate to how I feel most of the time. Perhaps, it kinda express how I feel without having the need to turn them into words to be told to anyone. Sometimes, the power of the music can get you smiling or even crying. Pretty much depending on how you are feeling at that moment.

Also, I've watched this short film by the WongFu Production. Probably you have already watched it, as everyone is already talking and sharing bout this film called 'Strangers, Again'. Nothing much to be commented as it was so well explained on the stages of most relationships. Note, I mentioned most, instead of all. Reason why is because I've known some relationships that last for a very long time even till now, without reaching the Stage 6: Downhill. Envy much?Yea, maybe. But, like what was told, its better to be thankful to have such a wonderful memory and move on instead.

And watching this film reminds me of the reason why there are times that it creeps me out to be getting close to someone else in life. Its not necessarily for two individuals to start off as strangers and go through all the 7 stages mentioned and back to becoming strangers again. It can happened by just going through 2 stages or 3 stages and when it no longer work out anymore, both will just turned into strangers again naturally. Even some claimed to be still friends, but deep down, they know things are never the same way again. The awkward moment, the words that never come out, the eyes that can't stop looking away and just find a way to part their ways. You know I'm right.

There are even possibilities that two individuals might be stuck in the Stage 6 for a long period of time. The reason being, they might have envisioned the future together and they just can't accept the fact that things are not going as how it was planned anymore. Or, they just couldn't take the risk and go according to what they really feel deep inside without thinking of the fears of uncertainty that they may encounter in the future. Often, questions like 'What am I gonna do all by myself?' or 'How am I gonna survive this alone?' will pop out in their minds. Next thing you know, with all the questions unanswered, they'll be start thinking, 'Do I really want things to be like this?'. What happens next is that, you might just wanna ignore all these questions and just let them pass by in time, hoping that everything will be okie again. Hence, the on-going of Stage 6 for a long period of time till they either managed to fix what is not working between them or proceed to the 7th Stage instead.

However, what's important is to know that, whatever happens, its not the end of the world, just like what it was mentioned in the film. Things might get awkward, uncomfortable, uncertain but sooner or later, it will get way past behind and we'll managed to start all over again. Perhaps, the next time, everything will just work out perfectly like you can never imagine before. =]

On the other hand, what I think is the key to a blissful relationship is to stand by each other no matter if its during the good or bad times. Of course, with the presence of trust, tolerance and commitment. Just like the song from For The First Time where it goes: These times are hard, and its driving us crazy, don't give up on me baby.

So, will you?

Is it the right choice to pack up and leave when there's a mess? Think about it.

And I do hope that everyone will find their way to a blissful relationship. <3

Love,

- RyLLz -

End of holiday

One week of holiday has ended in just a blink of an eye. It started off great, but half way, I was down with gastric pain. And seriously, the pain, unbearable. Can you imagine, I was sleeping and suddenly I was awake with this tremendous pain in my abdominal part. I got no idea what was the reason and I kept rolling over my bed, hoping that the pain will just subside. But, it just got worse till I can't take it anymore. I just call up the bf who was fortunately, just started making a move out from his house heading to work. He came over, drove me to Gleneagles and I swear, the pain was sooooooo bad that I had difficulty walking to the emergency area from the parking.

And when the doctor examined me, I got freaked out by him asking if I've done any scanning before. Especially the one where the doctor will insert a micro camera into my stomach through the mouth and all the way down. Scary indeed! When he asked me if I wanted to do a scanning, without a doubt, we said no and opt for the pills instead. However, we promised to go back for the scanning if the pain still persists after 2 days.

The pills worked. The pain subsided immediately. But sometimes, the pain comes back for a short while. Now that the medicines are finished, I just hope that the pain will never come back. If it does, I will really need to get back to the hospital for a scan. So far, I'm good. *Fingers crossed* Gotta thank the bf for being there for me. =]

And, the much anticipated cycling trip in Taman Pertanian was cancelled due to the rain. =[ Totally upset over it. Most of the days, it wasn't raining in the morning, but that specific Saturday it rained. Sigh. Plan postponed to the coming Saturday and of course, I do hope it won't be raining again. Though it rained, I did enjoy myself spending a simple day out that day. Also, attended 2 birthday dinners on the same night. Had a great time, laughing with the bf's family and also had an awesome chit chatting session with my uncles and aunties during my lovely cousin's 21st birthday.

I sure do hope that she'll like the silver necklace that Yun, the bf and I bought for her. =] Took me lots of effort looking for it though. =p Speaking of 21st birthday, mine will be coming up in another 3 months. Exactly 3 months time. =D I should really start planning for my party before its too late. Still gotta determine on the venue. Hopefully it will be one awesome party.

At the mean time, I gotta start getting busy with my assignments to be completed asap. As well as, preparing for the final exam. Gotta do revision from time to time. 6 weeks is a very short period of time for finals preparation. Once this semester is done, its really time for a trip. =D

Just gotta hang on for now. =]

Love,

-RyLLz -

Doo-Wop & The Hooligans Experience

Bruno Mars is the one of the most awesome singer I've known in my life. The concert, totally worth the money. His voice melts everyone's heart. And yes, we know he will indeed catch a grenade for us. At the same time, we also know that he thinks we are amazing just the way we are. Haha!

Although there's no acoustic version done, everything he sang was awesome. He even did cover on Billie Jean and I Want You Back by the late Michael Jackson. Now, don't you think that's awesome? =p

Well, he started off with The Other Side and ended with Just The Way You Are. Then an encore on a song which I don't know of. =p Although the entire concert was short, but it was worth it. He never pauses even for a second. I just had a whale of time listening and watching him live on stage.

The only drawback was the camera issue. I just don't understand the security who forbid me from bringing in my camera. He said the concert is strict, can't bring in any DSLR. But hello, mine was Semipro. And he still insisted that I can't bring in. I was really upset till I saw some others who brought in Semipro too. That moment, I was even more pissed. Sigh. Lousy security. Wasted my effort bringing my camera, plus the opportunity to snap pictures of Bruno. But like what a friend of mine said, what matters is the live performance that we get to watch. =]

With all the screaming and grooving and jumping, I was exhausted with no voice left when the concert ended. It was embarrassing, but I couldn't be bothered. =p Its just all worth it.

Owh, Rain's concert was on the same night too. Just can't stop bullying my friend who attended it, knowing the fact that he got no interest in Rain and got so jealous over me going to Bruno's instead. =p Between, no news bout Rain's concert at all. But, even if there is, I have no interest. =p

Well, I know Maroon 5's concert is coming up. Have a blast to those who will be attending. =]

Great Weekend Ahead

I can't imagine spending only two days to finish one assignment for the whole week. Two days is seriously way to rushing for me, that I don't even have enough time to sleep and eat. Which resulted me in skipping meals all the time. Sigh. Bad for my stomach that I almost get gastric pain again. But now, I'm so glad that all the assignments are done. All four assignments are done and I no longer have to bare with all the sleepless nights with classes to attend during the day.

Also, I really appreciate someone who had been accompanying me when I was doing my assignment before this. Although, I know I kinda bored him off but yet he still insists that he's not. =] * Thanks. You know its you who I'm talking about. =] *

Anyway, did I mention that I'll not be having midterm exam and it will be a week of holiday for me? =D I can't wait to catch up with my darlings and do things that I love doing this coming week. Its gonna start with a lovely weekend where I'll be having badminton in the morning tomorrow. Then, probably some shopping and gift hunting for my beloved cousin who I love a lot. =]

And, I can't wait till Sunday comes! Bruno Mars' concert. Awesomee!!!! =p Now, some crazy people are selling one ticket for RM500. Its just like daylight robbery. Madness. I feel so glad that I managed to buy the tickets one day before they were sold out. =]

Owh well, actually, my awesome holiday had started tonight when I met up with my lovely Yun, Amerz and Gary. Its been so long since the last time I saw me love. =p She's awesome! *hugs & kisses*

P.s: Today, when I met you, I knew I've moved on. I'm over it. =]

Assignments

Finally, I'm done with the two assignments this week. Torturing indeed. And there's another two more to be submitted in the upcoming week. Which means, I will definitely not be having enough sleep again. But, I will survive. As always. =]

Anyway, experiences had taught me well. I'm so getting used to being independent now. Never need to rely on anyone else is awesome. But whats more awesome is that I wouldn't have to bother about whether promises are kept or not anymore. Moreover, I have great friends who will listen to me whenever I have something to rant about. =p I can just manage things by myself. Yes, there are times when I got so tired and fed up, I just felt like crying for a moment. But, I'm always back on track after a while. =]

Also, there's this thing that I learnt. It says, enough when you had done all you could. When there isn't any appreciation for the things that were done, no point trying harder. Perhaps, when you stop and look at the other side, you'll find someone who'd do the same thing for you. Its just that you might be too blinded to realize that until you stop focusing on whatever you are doing now.

Well, I can't wait to have my getaway once the assignments are done after this upcoming week. There are friends of mine who will be sitting for the midterm exam and I do hope they'll do great. =]

Love,

-RyLLz-

Just A Rant

I finally come to the conclusion that, I gotta stop trying. I mean, I gotta stop thinking that there might be a possibility that things are not how it appears to be now. Sometimes, I just hate the feeling of contradiction that I have within myself. When I had made my stand, I will still have the tendency of thinking that some things will be different if I do something differently. Which in short, hoping that the results will be better. However, what I realized was things will always remain the same, no matter what I did.

All I can say is, my intention is simple. In fact, its pretty clear and straightforward. Both words and actions used. When it comes to something or someone that matters to me, I could do anything. But, I dislike being taken for granted, thats for sure. And I do want at least some respect too. I can be easygoing but never gets over the border. That's when I'll start to take a step back and my guards will be up.

Perhaps, conveying my message through actions is a very bad idea at the first place. And now, I know someone might be saying 'I told you so'. =p

Whatever it is, I think I can finally confirm on the outcome and helps me to come up with a firm decision too. =] I gotta let go before things get deeper. Also, I've been through the exact same thing before and I wouldn't wanna experience this again.

Owh, anyway, I am still surviving everyday with the amount of assignments to be completed. And I know I'm not alone. =p


Love,
-RyLLz-

Actions or words

There's always a certain period of time where I will always listen to the songs from a particular singer till I get so bored of it. And since last week, I've been indulging myself with the songs from Kylie Minogue. Its not only the latest songs from the album, Aphrodite, but also the ones from previous albums. I just got hooked up all of a sudden. So, if you so happened to be in my car, you will be listening to them all the way to your destination. =p

Seriously, her songs makes me groove. In another words, its a good way to feel awesome after a hectic day or when something is bothering my mind. Plus, it kinda feels like a confidence booster too. =]

Anyway, its the fifth week of college now and the assignments are kinda overloading. Not to mention, at least 3 assignments in each subject, which sums up to roughly about 12 assignments in total. The bright side is that, I do not have a midterm unlike most of my dear friends. There's pros and cons to that, pros is that I don't have to study and burn my midnight oil to prepare for the exam, while the cons is that, I will have to really frigging burn my midnight oil during my finals. Stuffing everything into my mind which I have learnt from the first week till the very last week.

But, I love marketing. I love it that I do not have to mainly memorize on the theories and definitions or formats and whatsoever. All I need to do is just to attend the lectures, understand the topic and apply it in the answers for a situational question. It may be tough for the very first time, but once I managed to hold the grasps of it. Its not as hard as it seems anymore. No doubt, there's a lot of writing needed which may eventually ended up with a sore hand once its done. But still, I enjoy it. The thing is, doing something that you like will make the hardship unnoticed. =]

What about wanting to do something that you like, but there's just something stopping you? Like what I did, consider the worthiness of it. If its not worth doing after all, just stop and move on to something else. Better things are yet to be discovered. =]

No doubt, there's still a little bit of ups and downs, which is really normal in everyone's life. A little bit of confusion here and there too, but it doesn't really matter anymore.

Recently, there has been a lot of informations that I gained on something that was once matters to me. Coincidence? I don't know. But, knowing what I know now doesn't really mean much to me anymore. Plus, I don't usually judge someone by just merely listening to one side of the story too.

One thing I learnt. Sometimes, its not really much of what is said, its the actions that reveal what it really is.

I must say, I'm really flattered with things that I was told of the other day. And I'm also glad knowing someone who I can really share my thoughts with. =]



Love,
-RyLLz-

Being True

I'm indeed relieved that most of the things are kinda settled down for now. Felt so stress dealing with so many things which were turning sour at the same time. Not to mention, the huge weight that I managed to lift up from my shoulder too.

See, the things is, when few things popped up at the same time, all we need to do is just to calm down and start planning on what steps needed to be taken to solve them one at a time. There's nothing that can't be solved. There's just decision that we know we are supposed to make but yet, we are reluctant to make it. Probably we felt that things are so right when its actually so wrong. Hence, we tend to neglect everything else.

Are we supposed to live like we are dying? Or shall we make decisions by thinking of the consequences of an action? Both of these are indeed contradicting but still, it goes back to the word - 'choice'.

Somehow, I will never let myself get beaten down for long. Couldn't stand the negativity that makes life miserable. Its normal to give a good cry at a point where we felt lost. But once its all out, its time to just move on and let the past be memories. Never hold grudges to anything nor anyone.

Another thing which I've learned from a friend of mine recently is that, there's really no need for justification of who you really are. Anyone has the rights to talk about anything to whoever at all. And yes, its human nature that people do tend to act as the victim in a situation, especially when they are telling it to a friend. The blame is always on the other side. But instead of clarifying ourselves after being accused, the best thing was just to let it go and stay true to ourselves. Standing firm and being who we really are. Eventually, people will notice and find out what is the real deal. ( I really do admire my friend on that. =] )

At the same time, I believe that there is always faults in both sides instead of one in every situation. Its just that we are too arrogant to admit our own faults most of the time, thinking that it would be much easier to just point the finger at others and no questions will be asked. Everyone will be on our side then. Somehow, there's a wise man who taught me to take up the responsible version of some situations where I had been through, admitting that it was part of my fault whenever I share it with a friend. And seriously, nothing feels much better than that. Also, it portrays the level of our maturity too. Things will just gets easier and better. Trust me and just do it. You will feel the difference.

One of the keys to happiness, just like how the saying goes,

When life gives you lemon, make a lemonade out of it.

Or






Love,
-RyLLz-

Trust

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy. -Walter Anderson-




- plays an important role in my life. Selfish decision made is just another implication of not potraying honesty and not being transparent. Its worst when I took the risk and had actually opened up myself completely at the first place.

But, I never did regret on taking the risk and open up myself everyday in my life. I do believe that in order for someone to take a risk and open up his or herself to me, it needs to be started from me. I tend to place myself in one's shoe before I made any decision. I know, I will never want to be kept in the dark, no matter what happens. I know I will never want to be in a situation where I felt clueless and helpless. I know I will never want to be in a place where I don't know if I made any mistakes. I know I will never want to be in a guessing game. I will never want to hide the truth just to make someone feel better.

However, things will not always go according to how we want it to be. We cant force anyone to do anything according to our way. Not everyone will be on the same page or have the same stand in certain things. Afterall, it is all about giving and taking, compromising.

These things are all crucial in a relationship. Be it friends or lovers. When it involves two person, decisions should always be made with each other's consent. Selfish decision made will tend to hurt the other individual. Hence, lost in trust.


Well, anyway, its been a great time. I enjoyed and appreciate the companion. I wish I could really know more, but its a choice made. And I will respect that. Afterall, I know I had a piece of lovely memory in me.



Love,
-RyLLz-